When You Reach Out… And It Doesn’t Land -

The 3rd phase of grief after losing a life partner

The other day, I hit a deep low.

Not a dangerous low.

Not a hopeless low.

But a heavy, quiet, soul-level low.

I didn’t know where to go or who to reach out to.

So I drove — music blaring — tears falling. I eventually pulled over and sat there, letting the wave come, letting the pain move through me instead of pretending it wasn’t there. For over 4hrs - I wept.

Until we experience it, we don't understand it. Losing a life partner is undeniably difficult.

Longing for connections.

Feeling alone.

Occasionally reaching out and needing someone at the other end to respond. To be available. To hold space. To listen. To hug. To share. To offer unconditional presence.

For many widows/widowers, these are last minute reach outs usually done with a pressing urgency for connection.

When I lost my best friend, I didn’t just lose his physical presence.

I lost the shared rhythm of life. The one who....

Helped with taxes.

Car repairs.

Snow blowing.

Lawn care.

Caring for aging parents.

Running the business.

Cooking.

Cleaning.

Shopping.

But more importantly, I lost the one who laughed with me daily.

Who took me on dates.

Who made sure there was fun inside routine.

Who celebrated my strengths and softened my edges.

I lost the one who saw me in every season —

20s, 30s, 40s, 50s —and loved every version:

Healthy. Pregnant. Wrinkled. Radiant. Embarrassed. Brilliant. Broken. Strong. Sad. Determined. Angry. Soft.

Where 'Two' completed each other.

And suddenly…life became 'One'.

The three phases of grief no one talks about

In my experience, grief unfolds in layers.

Phase One:

Intense mourning. The shock. The absence. The reality that they are no longer flesh and blood beside you. It’s all about missing them.

Phase Two:

The deeper grief journey. The emotions. The anger. The sadness. The fear. In some cases-the guilt and the shame. The thoughts. The constant internal work of hearing, releasing, shifting to come back to the present self.

This phase is longer. It’s about the one left behind learning how to regulate and rebuild.

I moved through these two phases with surprising balance. Yes, there were waves — but overall, I felt steady.

Then came Phase Three: Reforming Identity - Living 'Alone' - Filling the 'Needs'

This is the one - I wasn't prepared for.

It’s the shift from “two as one” to “one entering a life as a single entity - once again”.

The adjustments are massive. Assumingly long and difficult for some people.

Month 14 hit me hard. I realized:

I am a lone ranger.

Strong. Independent. Capable.

Daniel and I were good alone. We didn’t need the world to feel fulfilled.

But now?

I want to dance. With whom?

I want to go kayaking. With whom?

I want to go to a movie. With whom?

I want to attend events. With whom?

I want to go on a hike. With whom?

I want to be held. By Whom?

I want intellectual conversations that feed 'my' soul. With whom?

I want help in areas of business where I struggle. From whom?

The ache of not feeling “valued”

Another thought started to creep into my head space over and over.

What does it look like and feel like to be 'valued'?

I have always valued people the way I would want to be valued.

When something happens — I drop what I’m doing. I show up. I listen. I support. I make the call. I make the visit. I make the plan. I show up - no matter what.

I have tried — truly tried — for over fifty years to live that way.

Needless to say that within this phase my mind started to wonder outside of myself.

I began to question why friends and relatives did not invite me — to go snowshoe, to go for a drive, to catch a movie, to go for a coffee or enjoy a simple dinner…

It began as a quiet sting.

Not rage.

Not entitlement.

Just a soft, deep question:

Why do I not feel valued? Important?

The honest truth is that I began to look externally and place judgment based on my internal pain

I am not blameless.

In the first year, some people did reach out.

And for the most part, I wasn’t ready.

I was still in mourning. In grieving. Still stabilizing. Still figuring out how to breathe in this new reality.

Now, in this rebuilding phase, I am ready.

I don’t want to sit still.

I want to snowmobile.

I want to go glamping overnight.

I want to go on a motorbike ride.

I want to laugh loudly in a restaurant.

I want to get out of my house and feel movement again.

I crave experience.

I crave connection.

I crave being invited.

And yes — I know I can invite too.

But when you were once deeply partnered, deeply chosen, deeply prioritized,

there is something vulnerable about having to ask. Though I have tried a few times with a few friends.

The deeper layers include self-awareness, deep listening, releasing and shifting

This 3rd phase of grief exposes something uncomfortable and vulnerable.

In order to better support someone going through the grief of a partner, remember:

To value is not just a feeling or a thought.

It is an action.

It is inclusion.

It is thoughtfulness.

It is to remember the one who is now alone when the plans are being made.

And in order to better support myself as a widow, I must remember:

When I don’t receive that invitation, my mind quickly creates a un-serving story.

I’m not important.

I’m forgotten.

I’m too much.

They’ve moved on.

That story hurts me more than the absence itself.

So again — the work returns inward where I must:

Pause.

Listen.

Release the story.

Shift the narrative.

Not everyone shows love the way I do.

Not everyone understands this 3rd phase of grief.

And not everyone knows I am ready now.

Reforming identity means more than doing life alone

It means learning how to:

Ask.

Initiate.

Say yes.

Risk vulnerability again.

It means honoring the very real human need:

To feel included.

To feel chosen.

To feel valued.

To feel remembered.

It means having the courage to reach out to someone for connection.

This is not casually done.

For me, it means I am at a deep low. Not suicidal. Not clinically depressed.

But low enough that this strong, independent woman needs a helping hand.

A few hours of deep, real, honest connection.

The kind of connection that leaves me feeling lifted. Grounded. Alive again.

It takes everything in me to make that call.

And when the response makes me feel unseen…unimportant…not worth the interruption…

That ache is real.

It feels like being discarded.

Not because the other person intends to harm.

But because when you once had a person who would drop everything for you —

anything less feels enormous.

This is where my inner work comes in

I cannot control how others respond.

I cannot demand that someone else fills the space Daniel once held.

But rather I can:

Pause.

Listen inwardly.

Acknowledge the ache.

Release the story that says 'I am unimportant'.

Shift the belief that I must be rescued.

My identity cannot be rebuilt on external availability.

It must be rebuilt from within.

Yet - that does not mean I don’t crave connection.

It means I must learn how to seek it without losing myself.

Moving Forward

In this 3rd phase, identity is everything. I am no longer half of a pair.

I am ONE.

Still loving.

Still desiring laughter.

Still wanting intellectual depth.

Still wanting to dance.

Will those things come again through a partner one day? Maybe.

Through friends and family? They should.

Through new connections I haven’t yet made? Definitely.

This part of the grief journey is not about replacing what I had. It’s about rebuilding who I am now. I can crave connection and still be strong. I can feel the ache and still lead myself forward. It all begins — and begins again — with fierce self-awareness, unwavering self-leadership, and the courage to keep listening inwardly. Life continues. And I am choosing to continue with it.

~Michelle ;)

Widow | Imperfectly Perfect Self-Awareness & Self-Leadership Expert

Michelle Gallant-Richards

BEd | Master Instructor of Emotional Fitness®

Founder of MindFit4Life™ - Vivre Emotional Fitness® Life

Michelle works with professionals, educators, caregivers and leaders who desire to slow down, strengthen self-awareness, master the skill of deep listening, and learn to lead their thoughts, emotions & responses with great clarity and calm.

"Helping people build an inner balanced home & work life."